Postcards from the Florida Republic: Part III

Dear Friends.

Things have been quiet here. And I apologize for delays in correspondence.

I’ve been stuck in a cabana living on bananas and limited rations of Kettle One vodka (I’m counting calories).

In the last few days, I’ve been digging back into the news. And the U.S. media is just as bad as ever.

They finally got around to reporting on the New York nursing home scandal (about a year too late).

The media is shocked… shocked by the goal post moving on campaign promises around the vaccine…

And no one understands how Payment for Order Flow works around Robinhood and GameStop.

But worse than the media has been the recent lectures on from celebrities and moguls.

As you know, I’m always inspired by our moral betters.

I love to be told what to eat. How to think. What to drink. What I should say. How I should feel.

If there is a moral panic, I clearly run to it like a possessed horse darting through a burning Opium field.

Then I take to Twitter.

I let everyone know that just by thinking about our moral cause… I’m doing something!

Yesterday, I spent hours strategizing about how I might track my carbon footprint through a tin-can after our smart leaders shut down my local coal-fired powerplant to ensure the survival of a rare bird in the Andes.

And if you can’t detect my overwhelming sarcasm and mistrust of authority, then pour yourself a drink and reread these previous paragraphs.

Rinse and repeat until it works.

There’s no shortage of moral betters who will not be allowed to partake in the Florida Republic upon our successful formation.

As I’ve said before, the Florida Republic is a basic effort to stabilize after Washington forgets we exist (and vote).

So, we’ve laid the foundations for our charter and presidential rules already.

In thinking about our moral betters, there has been no more insufferable one right now than Bill Gates.

It appears that Mr. Gates, a person who has enjoyed an incredible financial windfall on the collective back of Monetary Expansion, has zero time on his hands. And since the launch of Microsoft in 1980, the stock is up more than 200,000 percent. So, not only does he have time, but he also has exponential resources.

Over the last month, he has flown around the world while warning about climate change and carbon emissions.

He has encouraged Americans to eat plant-based meat in order to save the world (plants aren’t meat).

He has urged everyone to talk to their friends and families about climate change – because everything between your family and friends MUST be political.

He’s releasing a book about climate change and giving people a wall of recommendations that WE MUST do to save ourselves.

I’m not a denier of climate change. I’m just exhausted by the lectures. We’re making incredible progress on emissions as the private sector pushes us further into a clean energy world.

I’m also tired of the hypocrisy.

While the oceans are supposed to rise and wipe out all of the people living in tents along the highway, Gates bought a $43 million beach front property in San Diego last year. Nothing to see here.

Gates has said that his grounded private jet won’t save the world from Climate Change. And he’s right.

So why did he join up with Blackstone Group in a $4.7 billion deal to purchase Signature Aviation PLC, a company that manufactures PRIVATE JETS? He did this one month before releasing his new book?

Oh. That’s right. Gates is like John Kerry. He needs a jet to fly around the world to tell the little people how they should behave. Once he’s done with the lecture – he can just plant a few hundred trees on all of his farmland…

After all, he’s also now America’s single largest owner of farmland, because… why not?

Typically, this behavior would fuel a lifetime ban from the Florida Republic.

But I have taken a change of heart.

When the Florida Republic charters, I invite Mr. Gates to come and live in our new country.

And I wish to create a permanent government office for Mr. Gates.

This special Florida Republic office… This special title will be called…

“The Ambassador to Save the World from Itself.”

It will be a very important job with very important perks.

Mr. Gates will sit in a sky castle, drinking the finest Floridian cabernets and staring at a white board.

We will walk into his room and give him one single line on that white board every day.

Perhaps it will be: “Save the Fish.”

Perhaps it will say: “Americans are eating too much Tilapia as a people.”

Other suggested topics will include:

  • “Newspapers, Bill.”
  • “Son of a bitch, there’s alcohol in my mouthwash”
  • “Traffic when there’s an accident!”
  • “My child didn’t get an MVP award in squash!”
  • “Hobos + Boxcars = Affordable Labor and Transporatation”

To address each problem, Mr. Gates will be given daily rations of the following:

  • A video camera
  • Six boxes of crayons
  • Enough plant-based meat to kill a Hippo
  • Three ounces of hybrid weed consisting of Kentucky bluegrass, featherbed bent, and northern California sinsemilla
  • The sound board from Mad Money
  • A floppy disc of Windows 95
  • A machine that applauds him whenever he finishes writing a sentence
  • A green apple with a chunk bitten out to resemble the Apple logo, just to get him really fired up.

His job: To make us entrepreneurs and productive people feel very guilty about their lives.

We will then export the Ambassador’s videos, lectures, and crayon-drawn letters to other nations, where we will – on behalf of THEIR governments – shame the successful.

Our goal: To get the best and brightest entrepreneurs to leave their high-tax, over-regulated wastelands and move to the Florida Republic where they can set up shop, create successful businesses, and establish new jobs for all of our residents.

The lectures and content from the Ambassador to Save the World from Itself will be a reverse-Trojan horse.

The Ambassador’s lectures will act as a Chief Export – one that gives ill-advised, would-be totalitarians always seeking to deliver “fairness” to their economies the foolish talking points and strategies they need to engage in environmental dirigisme.

But that would not be the only export from this higher office.

Mr. Gates himself would also be a major export to the world.

Under this office, Mr. Gates will fly around the world and continue to lecture everyone on how to live – FAR, FAR AWAY from our borders and without our local media coverage.

Residents of the Florida Republic would never even know he was a citizen.

As part of our foreign policy, we will work in earnest with other independent nations to create major awards for Mr. Gates.

There will be awards for his innovative machines that force feed people plant-based meat. He will be given award after award after award in Hollywood for the new environmental awards show that we create on NBC after the Oscars implode.

Best Dressed Salad Spokesman: Bill Gates

Best Documentary on the Evils of Traditional Salad Dressing Manufacturing: Bill Gates

Best Kiss Scene in a Movie About Tomato Farming: Kristen Stewart

Mr. Gates can fly around the world to accept these VERY, VERY, VERY made-up awards, where he speaks before a paid audience forced to eat plant-based meat and listen to him lecture on and on and on about whatever threat to the world is bothering him today.

And don’t worry about money. Printing money requires trees. So, we save where we can.

It’s an unpaid internship. He can still make money off his Microsoft stock as the company he founded continues to do research and development with the Communist Party of China – the authors behind a command economy that produces 28% of the world’s greenhouse gas emissions (double the United States).

Just think about it: The Ambassador to Save the World from Itself?

This is just one of many political offices that will have no voting power or influence on public life in the Republic of Florida. But it will provide a very simple strategy to bolster our rolls of innovative people who are tired of hypocritical behavior.

I’ll dig up something next for Mark Ruffalo – the guy who engaged in LITERAL LIMOUSINE LIBERALISM on climate issues.

But John Kerry? He’s not getting past the border patrol.